iEscape- Green, White, and Blue

What's white, blue, and green all over? ...Spearfish Canyon, of course! Winter is slowly wrapping its icy grip around the northern hills and I love it. The crisp air that makes you cough when you first breathe it in, the crunch of snow under foot, blinding sun by day-starlit by night, frozen snot in the beard, exhaling lofty-looming clouds, childlike exuberance on walks outside, cozy warmth under blankets inside. What's there not to love about winter?

Though, its been a busy road getting here. The past few weeks have been coupled with exhaustion and annoyance for me. Exhausted from school and work and annoyance with much of the same. I hate complaining and won't do it here because this is a place of realization and reflection, not moaning and groaning. However, to boil it all down, I've been met with a lot of time being wasted and opportunities not being met, created, or taken. There is nothing so irritating to me to watch rivers become dammed and left stagnant when so much else could be done- I'll put it at that. This is with people and organizations a like. I guess I really just don't like: Waste. This isn't about this matter though, to steer back on course, this has all taken a large toll on me recently, making me quite bitter at the right moments. This week was the last straw, I really couldn't handle it anymore but I really couldn't find the problem nor confront it head on. But this feeling of resentment is one that I do not like to feel nor ever want to. Finally I had an opportunity to take a break, not deal with anyone or thing that has been chipping away at my sanity, and took my inch approximately twenty miles up Spearfish Canyon, and I ESCAPED. (That's what Apple should come out with next- "Introducing the all new iEscape, free of all electronics and unnecessary junk- get outside and live life!" Ha!)

So with this ingenious new "iEscape" technology, I did what I do best- fly fish. Truthfully, the root of all frustration and anger for me is, in-equilibrium. When there's too much work, school, and annoying people/things and not enough adventure or exploration ("Outside Time" as Gretchen calls it) or simply not enough time to myself, I get pissed... Then I took a chance to slow down and decompress last night and saw how badly I was shaking, my hands literally were shaking. Some people shake from drug withdrawal or not eating for long periods of time- I shake from being out of balance in my life, from literally not fishing or going outside. Such a complex ordeal of anger has such a simple fix, and in fact I heard it best summed up by a Finnish fly fisher/jazz player last week when he said, "I'm a simple man: fish make me happy. Scarey simple."

Truly scarey.

Again today and last night, I had a startling realization. Just as the Jews in the old testament fell from God time and time again, I fell away from the things that make me happy and give me purpose. Yet, as God is benevolent, so is your passion- so are the fish. When you forget about what really makes you happy and fulfills your soul, then what else is making you happy?! Facebook, work, your iphone? Hell no!!!
This week was a wake up call, I went to church on Sunday (an awesome little Antiochian Orthodox Mission built into a house in Rapid City) and had a lot taken off my chest by meditating on whats been on my mind. It was first then that by putting a block back in its rightful space that there was still more that had to be done! But what, what hadn't I been doing? ...fishing, exploring on my own, thinking deeply. "Duh, Evan! You've been ignoring your passion again! You let things get to you, you got too much going on, you're supposed to keep it simple, remember?" I do now!

Forty degrees and sunny- no school, no work, no friends or family. In short terms, "Heaven on Earth." Not to sound like I aim to not spend time with friends and family, but I need my own space sometimes. I went way down to Cheyenne Crossing to scout Yates Ponds. Grabbed my trusty Sage and headed out. I've fished here a lot, its a favorite spot of mine and I loved to take my clients here back in the fall for the prime chance of hooking a huge fish. But there's more to this spot, and it's hidden by tall spruce trees.

Well the ponds weren't fishing too well today, or rather I was throwing a huge streamer at fish that prefer tiny nymphs, and so I decided to take a look in the woods. I saw a glassy blue run, etched through dazzling white snow and slates of ice inside a tall green wall of spruces. For a moment- just a split second- I thought about throwing my phone away, giving all my cash to the poor, and never leaving that spot. Its amazing how quickly you remember how to be happy, what a profound and instant effect it has on you. I made a few casts across the current with my streamer and as I was ready to leave and find a new place to fish and was stripping in my line, I noticed a giant trout come from under a weed mat and slowly follow after the fly. I twitched it up stream a little faster and he sped up to chase it. In a ray of sun through the branches my bright white streamer stopped and the giant fish came from behind and engulfed it. I set the hook and the fish twisted, turned, and splashed- ran for branches and sticks. I locked my rod in my wrist and lifted his head out of the water and knelt down to net him. The water stung as I reached in to clasp him and take the hook out. And as soon as he was in my hand he was gone again, invisible under the clear, blue water. Then again the urge to never leave came sweeping back, "Why would anyone do anything else with their lives?!"

I went to a few new spots in the upper canyon today, where the spruces reign and the stream is much more intimate. I never get too many chances to fish up there, but I'm always excited and surprised when I do. The big fish was the only one I got today but that wasn't the reason why I went out. I needed a break, I needed to get out, I needed to get back in balance and to be happy again. There's nothing like pulling over at some random point on the road and walking into the woods and stumbling on something beautiful- be it fish or water or rock or something else, maybe just an idea. No one is ever perfect, but to at least be balanced, that is all we can ask for! Happiness is found in equilibrium, as is perfection.

I'm sure I'll find myself in a few months or years or days realizing this all over again, its just the nature of our daily lives. Though this realization isn't a scarey one, more helpful than anything, what's scarey is how out of balance and mad I've been for so long (at most a month, I'll be it.) And I'm never mad- ever! It just goes to show that little things add up and big things take their toll. That life today is so much more inclined to make you mad, that there really isn't such a thing called an iEscape- even though that's really what the world needs. The saving grace is that the iEscape isn't found in stores though, its inside us, and maybe we just forgot about it as I did. Pull that sucker out and go for an adventure, do what makes you happy! Its such a scarey, simple fix! I can literally feel my soul being happy right now...

 

Spare Change.

The last time I visited Hay Creek- my dearly beloved stream, my Nirvana, my Valhalla; close connection between some of  my first memories, family members, and life lessons; a hidden gem that I've called mine for years and many more to come- I arrived to unimaginable change.

Though the dead end trail was still overrun by the natural process, something about it seemed even more formidable, I knew something was array- there was a feeling in my gut that somewhat halted me from proceeding down the old stage coach road. In my mind, I accepted that the land could change. That trees would fall and weeds would reign. But even I, who first told the River Story and who has immense passion for the power of water on land and mind, neglected the power of it's forces on the little stream of mine. This past spring was a wild one in my sweet homeland of Minnesota. As much of the world was dying of thirst, we had more than our fair share! The same forces that created the place I loved over time I thought was something that was a legend of old. The twisted and mangled concrete bridge, the railroad trusses, all old ruins that hearkened a distant and turbulent past. But as all things, things of which we have no control, the past became renewed. That spring, massive floods- I dare not say "destroyed"- but totally altered the headwaters of the stream. Limestone boulders, still crisp and yellow, were strewn across the entire stream bed, pools totally purged, riffles moved, runs widened or filled in. Upon seeing my little stream, a pristine ribbon of blue amongst gold and green, it seemed now oddly foreign to me...

But just thinking of it now, I feel ashamed in myself. Ashamed because when I looked into the turquoise pools, I saw no fish. Ashamed because I swore a lot and was angry at what had happened. Ashamed because I lost hope and feeling for my stream. I left within an hour of starting, disappointed and disheartened at the sight. I'm ashamed now because I broke my own rule: I turned my back on a lifelong friend. Change is a natural process, as is trees falling, floods coming, and rivers constantly shifting. I forgot that change can happen even to me.

If I could go back to that day- and be my own shadow- I'd slap myself and say, "What are you thinking? This is normal! This is just a little bit change!" It's simply a matter of time before the "new normal" settles in.

It begs the question, how come change is such an easy thing to think about, yet when it happens- we all think the world is going to end? I know we've all dreamed of new homes, new jobs, new relations, but that sort of change is trivial, and frankly usually never happens. Change that shakes us to our core is when we seem happy, content, and familiar. When grandma suddenly dies, we lose our job, or we maybe even want to switch our majors, and take things for granted. There is nothing so terrifying when someone loses their i-phone! But what about people from slums getting a good degree and getting high paying jobs? Positive change? To me- that's another beast named, initiative. Similar effects but of another kind. Change is a frightening word to people. Unknown means leading to unknown ends. Total loss of control.
Though it is usually for the better in the end, like getting dumped then finding a new, more perfect lover, it all comes down to time. When it hits, when you react, when you crumble, when you rebuild. All factors between life and death- figuratively.

 Notice the underlined phrase, "...take things for granted." Why is it when everything is hunky-dowry, feces always seem to hit the fan? My grandmother was progressively losing her mind. It was a real and hard fact, a fact that truly scared me and turned me away from her in the final years. I accepted and took for granted the fact that my grandmother was getting old and had forgotten my name and I would stop in from time to time to say hi and give her a kiss. From out of nowhere change happened, she got hurt and finally entered the Kingdom of Heaven. That event shook my family. Reflecting, without remorse or anger, perhaps I should have done more with her. But that change brought about many positives as well, one thing was to bring the family from across the world back together to a small waiting lobby in the hospital, there to help and support each other. Something Grandma had always wished for.

It hurts us to be humble if you dig down deep enough. To accept loss of control is the hardest pill to swallow. To admit to laziness, lack of gratitude, false pride- there is no thing so unimaginably hurtful to do. But through change, we are forced to- forced to stop and look face-first into our own lives. That is what we are afraid of. We are creatures of comfort in an ever changing world.   

I don't think change will ever be an easy thing to "do." But we can learn to how to live better, to understand all things as a Gift. To say, "Thank you" to God, friends, family, strangers, places or objects, or even just yourself. To smile during good and bad times, to look for hidden meanings and ways to grow. Change is terrifying but the result of it shouldn't be.

For all those friends and families that I've neglected to check in with- please I know that I haven't forgotten you, you're in my prayers, and I'll get around to it soon! Everyone please have a happy and safe holiday season, be unceasingly grateful, and try to reflect on ways to grow.

As for my stream, I know it will only be a matter of time- as Rivers embody Change.